So here we are, another month has gone by! And I am very glad for it! Things are going well! I do have a job, and the man is still in my life. I'm actually going to go visit him in March, on my week off, and I am very excited for that! There is so much to do between now and then! Even though plane rides scare me, I will do it for him.

I have moments every so often that are still bad for me. I get anxiety at times on some things, and then I go back and think about it, and it's stupid stuff. But for someon else, they were larger things. This one time about 3 weeks ago, I was laying in bed, about to go to sleep. I had the thought, "I can't wait until I am pregnant (SIDE NOTE: This is not happening any time between now and the next 3 years! But as a woman, I can't wait to experience that!)." And then as soon as that popped into my head, another thought popped into my head. And I was taken back to another point in time. One in which he wasn't happy that I had a past, and wanted me to get some surgery done, to fix things (it's common in the Middle East)-to make me like a virgin once again. Because he never got to experience that with anyone. There were a lot of problems by then in my marriage, but I would have done anything to try to save it. So I told him I'd have this surgery (I don't even know how he came across it on the internet), that would cost $6,000. He got all mad at me all over again and then said that he had to pay for what someone else got for free. You know what, dude? You have a past, too, but I never held that over your head! So then he said that we wouldn't ever have any baby girls, because I wasn't a great role model. He tore me down so much-saying things like that.

But when that thought popped into my head 3 weeks ago, I was stunned for a moment. And then I rolled over and went to sleep! I was so proud of myself for not crying, for not reflecting on it like other things. But seriously, how stupid is it that he wanted me to have this surgery? Stupid, stupid man.

About 2 weeks ago, he called me one morning. He had already left he state he was in, and was now in another state. He was there for a few days-that much I know. But anyways, he had gotten the final divorce papers. And was mad. We had talked one time, about changing the amount he owed. But that was back in May. I talked to my lawyer about it in May, too. By July, I had decided that because of all the hell he put me through, I was going to leave the amount as it stood. I just never told him, because I didn't want him to make my life more of a living hell. In May, I felt guilty about that money. But by July and even now, I don't. And it's not that I am going to take it and spend it. I'd actually pay the bills that he has in my name with it. Because that is why he was ordered to give the money back. So when he called, and I answered in my half-sleep state of mind, he was irate over it. He threatened to bring my new man into this, because as he put it, "It was time he got involved." He was going to talk to some legal person the next day, and tell them how I was going to use the money that he was to pay me to go see new man. He was also going to finally contest the divorce papers, and told me that if I wanted a fight I got one. I never wanted a fight. I just wanted him to pay what he owed. I got mad and told him not to do it. I told him what the money would be used for- the bills. He called me a money hungry, gold digging whore-because supposedly I was only after him for his money. RIGHT. News flash: I didn't spend the money in my marriage. He did. I also told him that if he had treated me right, we never would have gone this route. He kept calling me a liar, because I said I would never get divorced. He's right, I did say that. But if he had respected me enough, he never would have done what he did. And we wouldn't be here today. But I am glad that he did, because it has shown me what kind of man he is, what kind of man I don't want ever again.

I told him not to involve anyone else, because it was between us. I even threatened to go to his girlfriend-because believe me- I have a lot of info that I could use. But I won't. Because I am not mean. He ranted and raved and said, "I can't wait until I never have to talk to you again." So I said, "It's this simple: don't call me ever again! That's not hard to do! I have to get ready for work now, bye!" And I hung up. I got ready for work, and when I checked my phone an hour later, the jerk called about 4 times within a 3 minute period. Good grief.

*I was told by my attorney that he has 30 days from the date the papers are finalized to contest it. So we played the waiting game until September 3rd. *

He later called and apologized, saying he wasn't going to do anything, that he was just mad. Again, I was half-asleep, and it was about a minute convo. And that was the last I heard from him. As of now, I haven't received any papers on him contesting the papers. If he does, we'll just deal with it.

Last weekend was Labor Day weekend a year ago. A very hellish weekend for me. I had some strong memories leading up to last weekend. But I was fine after I got through it. I can't believe it's been a year. It seems so far away, and yet just like yesterday at the same time. In time, that will change and get better. I can't tell you how thankful I am every day that things are so much different, so much better than they were a year ago. I have made it this far on my own without him. I celebrate the months as they go by, because it's another month that I have been strong, another month where I didn't cry. I will celebrate January 1st every year in a completely different way than everyone else from now on. I view that as the day of my independence from him.

I hear stories now, of others going through what I did, and I can see myself in what they say. I was once where they are now. All I can tell them is that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that there are better days ahead.

I need to write, need to get some things off my very heavy chest right now.

The title of this blog is an actual book, written by Janine Latus. It's a book of verbal and domestic abuse. It's a book of sadness. Tears. Crying. It's a true story.

Someone had mentioned it to me awhile back, and I am just now reading it. I finished it in 6 hours.

I don't understand it. He had a great woman, in me. I don't understand why he chose to do that to me. Why I let him. I never stood for it before. So why now? Did I so desperately want to be loved, crave what everyone else had that I was willing to overlook it? It's true. I was the best, I treated him better than anyone had ever been treated. I didn't ask for diamonds. I didn't ask for material things. I simply asked to be loved. I'm not perfect by any means, and I have never claimed to be.

It didn't happen that way. And now, I have doubts. I have doubts that I need to purge, or try to purge to get rid of. I don't trust a lot of men. Even the one I am thinking of that I do trust, I am now asking, "Will this happen again?" Will someone else do this to me? Can I love them enough to please them? I'm scared of falling completely for someone again. Because I let someone into my life, they saw my flaws and didn't like them, and used them against me. Will someone else be the same? Will I let them in, just so they can do this to me again? Will I always be on edge, constantly wondering if it will happen again?  Why did he have such animosity towards me? Why did he resent me so much? What could I have done different?

I am so worried that I'll be that person, that he is. It does scare me. I'm not him, but it does scare me. He says I did argue with him. Yes, I did. Two nights. When we'd both been drinking. It's common in abusive relationships to fight back in any way possible, and that's how I chose to fight back. I hit him once. It didn't hurt, because it was light and it was on the back. I never did it again. I worry because if I miss a phone call, am I going to get that same anger? Am I going to get the same questions- where were you? who were you with? am I not important enough to take the time to talk to? I don't want those questions, the burning sensation in my stomach, the feeling of having to watch what I say. Some days I am fine and trust that he (new man) won't hurt me. Pretty much every day I know he won't. But at the same time, I don't know for sure. I didn't know for sure last time, although the signs were all there. So maybe that's how I know?

And I do trust the new man. I trust him a lot. A lot more than I can say about the ex. I can think of alcohol with friends, with family. But not him. It evokes certain memories and makes my stomach start rolling. It makes me nervous, put in the same sentence with him. But with the new man, I know that he'll never do anything to harm me when he's been drinking. I've seen it. He doesn't get angry, he doesn't yell. He's not mean. Anything but. One time, we were at a bar, and I had some tangles in my hair (happens all the time!). I was trying to get them out, and some random dude walked up and put his hands in my hair. People that I do knot now do not do that. EVER. So it freaked me out. He pulled me closer to him and it was one of the sweetest things ever. No man has ever done that. Or just laying next to each other and he would reach over and grab my hand. Again, no man has ever done that, just wanted to be next to me, and do such a simple, romantic gesture. It made my heart go pitter pat and smile.